In memoriam
by Raphael.TWilson46
Summary: Raphael's past comes back to haunt him, just hours before an important mission. It's up to Haley to convince him that history will not repeat itself.. One-shot written in memory of Leslie Howards, with permission from her cousin. Takes place right before the mission in 'Savage Hearts Tamed'.


_**Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hey readers,**_

 _ **I'm terribly sorry for the**_ **long** _ **hiatus. I've had some shit to deal with, and I couldn't find it in me to write.**_

 _ **I was in mourning, at the loss of a few personal friends recently. One of whom is an important source of inspiration for me,even though I have never met her in person. She was one of my favorite writers here,and my first favorite stories. I miss Her terribly, and couldn't bear to even look at this page. As such,I wrote this piece, a one-shot in her memory. I will be attaching this to my main story, Savage Hearts Tamed, as well.**_

 _ **This is to you, jelsalover2458. May your rest be eternally peaceful. Amen.**_

 _In memoriam_

-XXXXXXX-

It was pitch black around him. Raphael heard her voice, desperately calling for him. Unable to see her, he spun round and round, trying his utmost to find her.

"Where are you?!" he screamed, his voice going hoarse, as he searched to find her. The cries for him continued, and finally Raphael saw it. A faint outline in the darkness, no more than a light shadow, some distance from him.

With little else to guide him, he ran towards it. Though he was covering the ground between them rapidly, it was almost as if they were becoming further apart, like the distance was somehow extending, further and further.

Unwilling to give up, however, Raphael pressed on, and soon, the figure appeared to get bigger, and clearer to his view. Finally, he could see her, almost as clearly as in daylight.

It was then that he realized something was wrong. Terribly wrong. As soon as they were mere feet from each other, Raphael realized that she was covered, no, soaked, in blood.

"No..." he croaked. She then fell,face first, into him, and he caught her,holding her tight as he lowered them both down to rest on the cold floor. He cradled her head, her long dirty blonde tresses running through his fingers.

"Raph..." she breathed, her voice a death rattle.

"Bernie..."

XXXXXXX

Haley watched helplessly as Raphael twisted and turned frantically in his sleep. She was doing her best to wake him from whatever horrible nightmare was plaguing him.

"Raphie, wake up. You're dreaming, sweetie. It's OK, I'm..." she coaxed.

"B-Bernieee.." Raphael moaned, as he trembled and kicked in the bed.

Haley, in shock, shook him even more vigorously, and called his name. "Raph, can you hear me? Please, wake up."

Raphael continued to mumble in his sleep, but he started to toss more violently, and was sweating more profusely. "Bernie... B-Bernieee... BERNIE!" He finally awoke, and sat bolt upright, panting heavily.

Haley, aghast, looked at her shaking mate,as he buried his face in his hands. "Raph, are you okay? What happened?"

"N-nuthin'.. Just...just a really bad dream...that's all." Raphael tried to shake it off.

"You don't wanna talk about it?" Haley asked.

"It's... It ain't that. It's just...hard." he swallowed back what Haley thought was a sob at the last word.

"Take your time, sweetie, I'm here. Shhh..." Haley put her hands on his shoulders, trying to comfort him.

Raphael took a gulp of cold night air, and said, "It's...about my past."

She held him tighter, and held him by the jawline, turning him to face her. "Please, you can tell me. I want to help. I want to listen."

Raphael gulped again, and decided to tell her. "Haley, I love you...so much..But.. You aren't my first."

Taking in his words, Haley nodded, and asked,tentatively, "Was it Bernie?"

Before Raph could even flinch, she clarified, "You were saying her name a few times over when you were...dreaming."

Raphael, though not completely eased by her clarification, nodded, and, wiping his brow, continued. "Yeah, she was my first."

"What was she like?"

"She...she was blonde,with a streak of red in her hair. And pale. And her eyes..they were blue, a really deep blue..I...I used to get lost in them...when I look into them..." Raphael choked on the last syllable.

Haley could see that this was obviously something emotionally painful for Raphael, and knew she had to tread carefully lest she worsen his suffering. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she did her best to comfort him, while trying to press him on.

"Raph, if you don't mind me asking, what happened to her?" she asked, choosing her words as delicately as she could.

"She...I dunno." Raphael admitted with a sniff.

"Huh?"

"She...she disappeared...during the Kraang's attack, over a year ago. The last time I saw her, she was falling into a chasm that opened up. But we never found a body. Or any trace of her. I was too weak to save her." Tears were welling up in Raphael's eyes as he spoke. They began to flow when he continued, "T-that's why...I swore to myself, that I'll get stronger... So that I'll never fail...anyone, again."

Haley continued to hold him, her expression soft and understanding. Raphael turned to look at her now, his green eyes piercing her hazel, and he said, his voice steadying, "That's why I didn't want you comin' with us. I don't wanna risk losing anyone, again." he wrapped his arms around her. "Bernie's gone, Hales, but you're here now, I'm not gonna lose you like I lost her."

Haley pulled him closer towards her, and he did not resist. "Raph, I get where you're coming from, but...it's not gonna be like that at all, I promise. I know you'll look out for me. And I know you probably don't need it, but I'll look out for you too, OK?"

Raphael's soft gaze suddenly hardened, almost as though he was about to lose his temper. "Haley, how can you be so sure? Master Splinter actually trained Bernie. Really trained her. If that happened to her, what the fuck makes you think it can't happen to you?!"

Haley did not turn away from his glare, but kept focus with him,her expression remaining delicate,yet firm. "Because you're with me," she said simply. "Because you're stronger now,than before."

Raphael continued to glare. "And what if it's not enough?"

Haley leaned in close, and held him close. Resting her forehead against his, she whispered, "It will be, Cuz you're with me,sweetie."

Try as he might, Raphael could not refuse her embrace, and surrendered himself to her. For reasons unknown to him. He believed her.

It didn't ease his tension completely though. And his words reverberated in the back of his mind.

'What if it's not enough?'

 _ **Thank you for reading this to the end. It still breaks my heart to read this. I pray that we'll be able to recover from this loss.**_

 ** _For those who need help,please, don't hold it in. Seek help and support from the people around you. It may seem like there's no hope,but please,it can't hurt to try. Never give up without a fight._**

 ** _For Leslie._**


End file.
